Get Off My Red Carpet
Olivia Wilde wearing 2013 pre-fall Gucci at the L.A. premiere for The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. Love this neckline on her. And that inset at the bust is just the right amount of peek-a-boo loveliness without being gratuitous. Pity she didn’t bother with her hair. Aren’t we over this dark-roots-ombre bit yet? I am.

Olivia Wilde wearing 2013 pre-fall Gucci at the L.A. premiere for The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. Love this neckline on her. And that inset at the bust is just the right amount of peek-a-boo loveliness without being gratuitous. Pity she didn’t bother with her hair. Aren’t we over this dark-roots-ombre bit yet? I am.

{Fashion Critique}: Oscars 2013, The Icing on the Red Carpet Cake-Walk

And this brings me to the very best. The icing on the cake, the cherry on the top, the whipped cream on your hot cocoa, the…okay I’ll stop.

Halle Berry, Versace 

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Some thought it too Dynasty, I thought it Versace fabulous with a hat tip to Adrian. After being bored for, something along the lines of THREE HOURS of red carpet coverage, I was thrilled to see someone take a risk. And it’s a risk that paid off.

Charlize Theron, Dior Haute Couture 

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And my personal favorite of the evening. If you’re going to wear white, this is how to do it. (anyone recall Gwynneth’s white show stopper last year?) It just goes to show you how important fit is. If this was too long, gaped at the bust, or puckered along the hips, it would have been just another white dress in an evening of colorless gowns. But there isn’t a bit of fabric out of line anywhere. Everything is in it’s place and as it should be.

Image credit: Getty 

{Fashion Critique}: Oscars 2013, The Dress She Should Have Worn Edition, Part 2

No I didn’t forget about our lovely Oscar winner for Best Actress! She looks radiant. beautiful. gorgeous. And I’m bored to tears.

Jennifer Lawrence, Dior Haute Couture 

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Princess dress. White. Why? Wearing the necklace so it hung down her back instead of her front was a nice touch that we haven’t seen in a while but a lariat style necklace would have worked better. And bless her heart, I hate that she tripped when walking up to receive her award. But it was the most beautiful tumble ever was it not? If there is any take away here, it’s that you should always, ALWAYS practice moving around in your gown. 

Calvin Klein 

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But this is the dress I would have preferred to see on the red. It not only fits her well, it suits her. She was made to wear this dress. Of course it’s too long. Let’s face it, stylists and designers just don’t care if a starlet trips while making the walk of her life. Oh wait…

And I’m forever going to be annoyed by trip worthy hems.

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That is the best fitting bodice on any dress that night. 

Image credit: Getty 

Heidi Klum, Julien MacDonald
Heidi wants to show the world that she could have single-boobedly rescued the Titanic with her flotation devices. Don’t look so proud of yourself. You’re wearing the equivalent of suspenders and a skirt. And this woman hosts a fashion reality show.
Image credit: Getty 

Heidi Klum, Julien MacDonald

Heidi wants to show the world that she could have single-boobedly rescued the Titanic with her flotation devices. Don’t look so proud of yourself. You’re wearing the equivalent of suspenders and a skirt. And this woman hosts a fashion reality show.

Image credit: Getty 

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Zuhair Murad
This should work but it doesn’t. She looks … different. Like a man dressed in drag and came to the Oscars as Catherine Zeta-Jones. 

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Zuhair Murad

This should work but it doesn’t. She looks … different. Like a man dressed in drag and came to the Oscars as Catherine Zeta-Jones. 

Kelly Osbourne, Tony Ward, hair by Jelly Belly
Listen, when your hair is the color of a marshmallow Peep and you have ill-advised tattoo placement, it’s really hard for me to take you seriously as a fashion correspondent. And the bondage straps on an otherwise nice dress doesn’t help your case.
Image credit: Getty 

Kelly Osbourne, Tony Ward, hair by Jelly Belly

Listen, when your hair is the color of a marshmallow Peep and you have ill-advised tattoo placement, it’s really hard for me to take you seriously as a fashion correspondent. And the bondage straps on an otherwise nice dress doesn’t help your case.

Image credit: Getty 

Jessica Chastain, Armani Prive 
No doubt this was everyone’s favorite red carpet look. And therein lies the issue for me. I know it before ever reading anyone’s favorites. Amazing fit, color, hair, makeup…and it’s formulaic. Don’t get me wrong, she looks beautiful; even more so in close-ups. But something about it comes off as expected and that is why it’s not my personal favorite.
Image credit: Getty 

Jessica Chastain, Armani Prive 

No doubt this was everyone’s favorite red carpet look. And therein lies the issue for me. I know it before ever reading anyone’s favorites. Amazing fit, color, hair, makeup…and it’s formulaic. Don’t get me wrong, she looks beautiful; even more so in close-ups. But something about it comes off as expected and that is why it’s not my personal favorite.

Image credit: Getty 

{Fashion Critique}: Oscars 2013, What She Should Have Worn Edition

Amy Adams, Oscar de la Renta 

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This is a beautiful dress. It’s Oscar de la Renta, of course it’s beautiful. But when the dress looks like it’s wearing you instead of you wearing it, well, you need to choose a different dress. And she did. For the Vanity Fair after party:

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THIS is the Oscar de la Renta dress you should have worn. Such delicious fringe should never be a second dress. This dress deserves to be worn on the red. That makeup and hair, however, do not. You tidied it up a bit for the party but it’s still reminiscent of a turn of the century house maid.

Image credit: Getty

Kristen Stewart, Reem Acra 
Obviously she spent more time practicing her disinterested face than styling her hair and choosing a dress. The fact that she has more money than talent is why I have on my disinterested face as a type this.
Image credit: Getty 

Kristen Stewart, Reem Acra 

Obviously she spent more time practicing her disinterested face than styling her hair and choosing a dress. The fact that she has more money than talent is why I have on my disinterested face as a type this.

Image credit: Getty 

Jennifer Garner, Gucci and Ben Affleck 
Ben is wondering why a jellyfish is attached to his wife’s back end and quite frankly so are we. Pretty color, great fit. Lose the sea creature and we’d have a winner.
Image credit: Getty 

Jennifer Garner, Gucci and Ben Affleck 

Ben is wondering why a jellyfish is attached to his wife’s back end and quite frankly so are we. Pretty color, great fit. Lose the sea creature and we’d have a winner.

Image credit: Getty 

Anne Hathaway, custom Saint Laurent, Oscar after party
Call me old-fashioned but I tend to avoid dresses that make my breasts look like a ski jump. Swooosh! 

Anne Hathaway, custom Saint Laurent, Oscar after party

Call me old-fashioned but I tend to avoid dresses that make my breasts look like a ski jump. Swooosh! 

{Fashion Critique}: Oscars 2013, Last Minute Decisions

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… 

Or is it? I didn’t think it could get more boring than Oscars 2012 and yet they succeeded in doing just that with Oscars 2013. After sitting through HOURS of the MOST DULL red carpet walk in recent memory, we then were subjected to 3+ hours of misogynist jokes. Joy. They should have just let Shirley Bassey and Adele sing and called it a night.

But let’s get on with the most disappointing red carpet walk ever by beginning with most polarizing dress ever: Anne Hathaway’s pink Prada.

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Let’s be honest, this wasn’t the most awful dress in red carpet history (seriously, look through my Tumblr) but neither was it the best. Word on the street is Ms. Anne tossed her Valentino because it resembled Amanda Seyfried’s gown. Never make a last minute decision when you’re about to take the biggest walk of your life. I’m guessing that Valentino fit her far better than this Prada because she likely had fittings for it. See how the fabric dimples around her waist and hips? This fit is ridiculous. I do not get why stylists and designers send starlets out in ill-fitting dresses on the red. It’s the worst advertising you could possibly have as a label. It didn’t used to be this way.

And then she turned around:

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Anne said her dress was “business in the front, party in the back”. Super. You just compared your dress to the mullet. Not winning here, Annie. The waist tie is very “chef’s apron”, the necklace doesn’t work with that neckline, it’s too long. Blah, blah, blah. (and who IS that woman in the background wearing a flock of chickens?)

Still we need to discuss that other, other problem. You know the one:

titter-gate

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The tits heard round the world. I’m going to school you for a moment in dress making 101: those are bust darts. Severe ones, mind you, but they’re bust darts. And yes they’re supposed to be there because that is how you bend fabric around the breast. Save for the 1950s, bust darts are never this pointed. Prada, however, took them to a particularly aggressive level - they clearly intended them to be a design feature. Designers get bored and want to do something different. And then here we are - blissfully unaware - watching the red carpet walk, eating popcorn, choking on said popcorn because we’re wondering why Annie’s nipples look like they’re colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra. And then they get their own twitter account. But who cares? Annie won her Oscar. Apparently ill-fitting pink satin is Oscar gold. Anyone remember Gwynneth’s Calvin Klein?

Image credit: Getty